It's A Puzzle

I’ve been thinking about the Tarot card that’s meant to be my focus throughout the new year. The Lovers. Joseph Campbell always encouraged his students to “follow your bliss.” That means doing what you love and loving what you do. And that’s The Lovers; giving in to your passion and letting it lead you where it will.

There’s just so many things I love to do, it’s hard for me to pin my bliss/passion down to just one thing. I’ve always loved learning and am a voracious reader and student of history, psychology, anthropology, religion, medicine, math, science… you name it! I see each discipline as being like a puzzle that needs solving. But then I also see each discipline as being a piece of a larger puzzle that, when fitted together just so, reveals a picture. And what’s the picture? … Life!

Understanding the intricacies of Life, how we and everything connects; that’s my number one passion. And when I’m able to comprehend even a moment of it, that’s my bliss. That’s when I feel my soul release a sigh so deeply satisfying and my spirit enter into a place of peace so profound, I think I’ve passed through the gates of Paradise.

Unfortunately, there’s not much of a job market for puzzle of life solvers, and if there was it would probably require a stack of specialized degrees, of which I have not one. I dropped out of college to get married.

But being a homemaker! That, too, was my passion. I loved being able to use my natural gifts to create a “home.” And a home isn’t just a house. It isn’t just a family. It’s a concept. It’s an abstract idea with a general connotation that each of us personalize to make our very own. My home centered around the four of us but encompassed the community, past and present, time and place. We were, as a family, where we belonged. We were home. And we took home with us wherever we went. We were connected, not just to each other, but to the big picture. *she sighs.

I was thinking about that today as I did my son’s laundry and cleaned his room. He’s a big boy, eighteen, goes to school full-time, works part-time. He can take care of himself pretty well, but I like to do what I can for him. I’ve always given him lots of room to be himself, and the only sure way to keep that from spilling into the rest of the house is to pick up his slack. Lol. But the point here is that I like being needed. I like being useful. And cleaning my son’s room and doing his laundry makes me feel needed and useful. Don’t get me wrong. There’s a big difference between cleaning for love and cleaning for money, and I would NOT enjoy cleaning someone else’s house. Been there, done that; felt as cheap and used as a two-dollar whore when he handed me the money on my way out.

I did a lot of volunteer work in my last life, and I loved it. Talk about being needed! I found one organization I was especially passionate about, and gave them my all. They were unsung when I found them, doing a lot of good work, but not getting the recognition they deserved. They were very inclusive; working in the community but keeping to themselves. Once I realized what they were capable of, I simply organized their organization, timed their planned events, added a few of my own, and coordinated with state and local media to bring them out of the shadows and into the light. I even got the governor and a few senators to join us for some of those events! They had been dedicated to preserving the community and it’s quality of life, and although they could see the big picture, they couldn’t see themselves in it. They thought they worked behind the scenes. But once they realized they were one of the scenes in the big picture, they became part of it. They’re now a mobilized force in the community, with a lot of political muscle.

I enjoyed my service in that organization. I loved being part of something bigger than me, bigger than all of us. I loved how I fitted in with them, and the sense of belonging I felt when I was with them. That’s what I want to feel again. That’s where I want to be. But getting there… now that’s a puzzle.